Will My Mind Please STFU???

This week has been hell!!! My body is all outta whack due to the germ factory I'm forced to be in during the day (in very tight quarters, I might add). My job, LOVE! it, but after fighting with Access 2007 all week (HATE! it), I had to get a new laptop. (It fixed the issue. Consistency much? Pound sand, Mr. Gates!). I've been running myself ragged with social commitments, and my sleep has seriously suffered because of it (how do you get rid of bags under your eyes?). I am once again sans hot water (3 days & counting) due to the slum lord who owns the unit below me's refusal to pull her head out of her ass and, here's an idea, be a landlord. And to top it all off, I took a chance (which I regret), said some stupid things (which I regret even more), and my mind has been in a non-stop, all-out, no-mercy-here-people, will you please just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY debate, full of coulda, shoulda, woulda's, why did I's, and tears. Let's not forget the tears. Lots and lots of tears. My faith has been tested, and yea, EPIC FAIL, my eyes have not been dry once while driving my car (super fun in rush hour traffic ... both ways <rolls eyes>), and all for nothing. I am no better off since my last blog post (opening my heart to the world - which I may close again). This.Is.Bull.Shit. Infinite faith is not enough, and even Yoda himself couldn't Jedi Mind Trick me into thinking these aren't the droids I'm looking for. The force is soooo not with me! *sigh

My week from hell started Monday night. I was up late Sunday night getting things done because I decided fucking off & doing the TTF run with the Z club on Saturday (and rushing my dog to the vet that night) was wayy more fun then actually getting things done. Don't get me wrong, I had a BLAST! (except for the vet part), but my 2 weeks worth of laundry was not so much. My work day was such a case of the Mondays, so I was really looking forward to the soup cook-off at my gramma's church that night.

As the church ladies and I sat there gabbing before the mass consumption of crock pot noms commenced, I let it slip "my late husband" in passing conversation. The look this woman gave me was classic; the same reaction I always get when people hear me say that. You know, like I'm contagious (don't worry your time will come, sweetheart - its called life), or something to be pitied like a homeless puppy (keep your pity, I don't need it). My night was over before it even started.

Fast forward an hour: The pastor's wife got on the microphone and had 4 people stand up and say what they were thankful for. Yea, each lady went on, and fucking on, about their wonderful husband, I love him so much, he's wonderful, I'm so glad he's in my life, bla bla bla. There I am, an hour passed my bed time, running off 4 hours sleep, trying to decompress from a hellacious Monday, stomach not happy with me due to all the soup I ate, and I could feel it. I was going to lose it. Right there at the table. In front of everyone. Commencing melt down in 3 ... 2 ... 1... I jumped up, ran into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Gut wrenching sobs that have not come out of me in months, tears flowing like Niagara fucking Falls. Next thing I knew, there were 3 ladies in the bathroom calling my name. Hugs all around, telling me how sorry they were, to let it out, and that they weren't going to leave me. In 10 minutes, the meltdown subsided, and I was able to drive home. And here I was, thinking I was strong. Pfft!

Enter Thursday. In expanding my social circle, I took a chance and hug out with a group of people around my age I had met through mutual acquaintances. Here I was the oldest in the group, (not an issue) and the only one single (big issue). Seriously? Who the fuck gets married/engaged when they are 20??? The engagement rings flashing their sparkly bling, the hand holding, the cute pet names flying. It hurt. I cried all the way home. It wasn't fair. What do they have that I don't? I don't think I will be hanging out with them anymore. I left in a hurry and cried all the way home. Asking God why? Cursing Kane for leaving me. Running through my mind how much I have accomplished, yet why do I still feel like I haven't moved an inch. Trying to find answers as to what's wrong with me, what am I supposed to be learning that I'm not, and praying for guidance, comfort, and serenity. Oh, to the happy couples, my bad. Congratu-fucking-lations!   

Enter yesterday. I'm out on break. That's "me" time. If I want to talk, I will. If I want to veg, de-stress, dream, or think about the stupid database I have to reverse engineer and can't get working, I'll do that. I'm not out there for social hour. I don't come out there to hear you go on an on about your wife, how you proposed to her, how you call her cute pet names, and how happy the last 30 years of marriage have been. My 15 minute break ='d 5 minute smoke & 10 minutes in the ladies room silently sobbing.

I'm very observant. I notice things. Is everyone but me married, engaged, have a boyfriend, or in a relationship??? If I see another couple holding hands, I'm gonna puke. If I hear one more commercial about Christmas proposals I'm going to scream. If I'm forced to listen to one more story about being married I'm going to go postal. Naw, I won't. Its not in my nature. I don't like being angry; its not who the new me is. I worked so hard to release my anger, I'm not about to let it come back. But, seriously? Why do I have to suffer? Wasn't taking my husband suffering enough? The only things I have are: my Happy Thoughts, and faith that some day soon they will come true. My knight in shining armor will not turn out to be a retard in tin foil, I will be the girl flashing her fancy engagement ring in every one's face & holding a FB count down for "T - n days & counting 'till my wedding', I will be the one telling my single/widowed friends "it will happen again, look at me". 

So I leave you with this: My Happy Thought to the universe for Mr. Perfect-For-Me:

"Thank you that the perfect man for me is in my life now. You know my qualifications, don't make me repeat them. And, for the love of Pete Sake's and everything holy, make it snappy will ya?!?!?

Namaste"     

Stepping Wayyyyy Out of My Comfort Zone (and dare I say enjoying?) the Single Life

Its been 2 years, 4 months, 3 weeks and 6 days since I lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my wonderful husband. In the blink of an eye, I was thrown into something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (and I know some pretty shitty people). Forced to make changes, and do things alone when I had always relied on someone. Suddenly single after 5 1/2 wonderful years of pure bliss. My Friday & Saturday nights which were once booked solid for the rest of my life were now completely open. No company to dinner and coffee, no movie partner to hold hands with, or someone to say "Good morning, Sunshine" to me every morning. Conversations I had once enjoyed, and even not talking at all and knowing what the other was thinking are gone. And not to mention the witty one liners and funny stuff I would say or hear. I mean who's going to instantly get my reference and laugh when I say "Smell baaaaad!" Or "Beer, goooood!! Napster, baaaaaaddddd!" *sigh

Some insensitive people have told me, "but you're free to do whatever you want now. No one to answer to, or compromise with." Seriously? First off, you can pound sand for even thinking - let alone saying - something like that to a widow because you are a twit!; and 2nd, I didn't have to do those things when I was married. In addition to not having to do those things, I had someone by my side 24/7! Yea, I think I would take the married life over being single any day. Asshats!

Looking back over my widowhood journey, I've really grown, err, I should say grown up. For the last 2 years I've chased what I thought would make me happy. People, relationships, activities, etc. I knew these things would be my saving grace if I could just harness them and make them work. All I needed was to be around people, or be married again, or do something which could get me out of my misery, and then everything would be fine. Yet crappy people after crappy people, disaster after disaster, douche bag after douche bag, heartbreak after heartbreak, changing who I was to appease others, leaving me more empty inside then when I started, I needed a new strategy for happiness. "Strage-da-dy, na na na na na na na na, Strage-da-dy ..." See, I'm 100% certain only 2 people know what that means; one of them is dead, the other one just typed it. *double sigh

For the last almost 2 months, I've put my new stradgedady, *ahem, strategy for finding happiness into place. And let me tell you, it's actually worked! Fucking W0ot! The first thing I did was step out of my comfort zone. I'm very much a creature of habit. I LOVE! traditions, routines, etc. If my routine is thrown off - even if its because of something fun - my mind, body, and overall well being, are thrown into utter chaos. It sux. So you can imagine my - at first, resistance to - taking of the first step out of my little box that I call Nikki World, then my absolute delight in finding out doing so actually works towards accomplishing my goal of happiness. All it takes is one step, and suddenly your feet just keep on going.

So, for the last few months, I have been busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest doing the following:

1.) Taught myself how to cook. You know pots, pans, knives, and actually buying stuff not in the freezer or cookie isle (or as they say in my 'hood, alimentos congelados o galletas). My creations have included roasted shrimp & orzo salad, stroganoff, chicken picata, roman chicken, Salade Niçoise, and my favorite, roasted potatoes with garlic and rosemary
2.) I am learning how to sew
3.) I know how to iron
4.) I planted flowers. SIDENOTE: I have planted flowers before, but my issue was keeping them alive. Since I have vowed to keep them alive this time, its totally stepping out of my comfort zone by remembering to water them
5.) I have an herb garden started
6.) I joined a car club with others who have (and appreciate) the cars like mine
7. I went to the Halloween party, sans boy toy and I had a BLAST!
8.) I'm spending more time with my friends & family then I have in years (and I LOVE! it)
9.) I smile (yea, mom. I used "I" and "smile" in the same sentence). SIDENOTE: Its amazing the reaction I get when I smile and flirt. Some have a panic reaction due to such a hottie giving them the time of day. But for the others, I've met several new people, and they actually approached me, talked to me, and are still talking to me after the initial meeting
10.) "No" is my new favorite word, and I don't feel guilty saying it
11.) I have a job which I love and get paid a shit ton o' money
12.) And the proudest, "out of my comfort zone" move I've done recently is ... wait for it, wait for it ... I joined the choir at my gramma's church! Yep, I'm going to be singing my little heart out at the xmas program

Speaking of heart, my "closed for renovations" post noted I was talking some time off from romantic relationships and working on myself. Finding me, learning what I want and having faith I will get it, removing myself from negativity and drama, engulfing myself with positiveness, forgiving and forgetting, letting my past go so the new can come in, among other things. Though I am staying single for the time being - I'm having wayy too much fun not committing all my time to one person, as well as enjoying my plethora of "me" time, I am most certainly open to possibilities, armed, of course, with my new found ability to embrace the word no. Sa-weet! I'm gonna make one hell of a (hottie) wife for a deserving guy one day! So, with my heart now under new management, gone is the thinking it was only open (or closed) for one thing. Here to stay is the thinking that my heart is now open for the world. And what a big, wonderful world it is. I'll be all 'bring it!' & the world will be all "its already been brotten'". Kane would be so proud!