The Widowed Hottie's 2nd Law of Widowhood: Trolls Exist!

The Widowed Hottie defines trolls as "shitty people who suck big time". I'm sure everyone out there can agree. Which leads me to the 2nd Law of Widowhood: Trolls Exist! From people you just met to people you've known for years, your chances of running into these trolls exponentially increases when you become a widow.

                                

Good lord, have I met my share of trolls! There's more out there then you think, and yea, they exist. They live under bridges made from the wood of the cutting down of your happy little trees. You may run across several varieties of trolls, at different points in your widowhood journey. They have always been there, yet your perception of them is more clear now. They come out from under their bridges like mad fools. Their prey of choice? Widows.

Below are descriptions of some of the varieties of trolls:

Work Trolls. This species of troll wants to be your buddy. You know, invites you to happy hour after work, lunch meetings where talking shop is required so they can get the latest and greatest gossip, and they seem to be following your every move (like into the bathroom? CREEPY!). These trolls want nothing more than to gain your trust so they can then stab you in the back, humiliate you, or the worst, get you fired. Watch your tongue, feelings, and emotions around this breed of troll. A visit to your HR department may be in order to keep this variety at bay.

Camelion Trolls: This variety is most likely the closest to you. They can be friends, family, people you seek for advice, etc. They seem like normal people, you may actually enjoy being around them, they show sympathy, and/or help you along your journey. Unfortunately, these are the hardest to spot of the troll species. Usually something small and un-noticed to you, triggers their true nature to come out, and when it does you don't think anything of it because you have known them for so long; its just so-and-so being so-and-so. Watch out for these trolls. Yea, they're that good. Though its almost impossible to spot them until its too late, cutting ties and running for your life after you recognize them is probably the best way to rid yourself of this type of troll.

Internet Trolls: These trolls like to hang out in cyber space. Forums, online dating sites, social networking sites among others are their favorite hunting grounds. Like the camelion trolls, they are difficult to detect, but internet trolls show their true colors faster, and they are easier to get rid of. Watch who you give your phone number to (they like to obsessively call and text if a computer is not available as they are usually not smartphone users). These trolls are the best at getting the hint. If they initiate contact via electronic means and you ignore them, they will eventually move along and leave you alone. If you get one that's resilient, blocking, reporting, or canceling usually works. 

Commerce Trolls: These trolls are commonly found in the customer service industries. They directly interact with people and are usually rude, uncaring, clueless, and opinionated. The best force against this species? Demand to speak with a manager/supervisor. Works like a charm every time. There is no real way to avoid commerce trolls, but going above them to get things resolved, make a complaint, and/or vent takes a chunk out of their ego.

Now, I couldn't introduce you to the world of trolls without making recommendations on how to protect yourself. Below are a few tips to combat, and raise above, trolls:

1.) NEVER stoop to their level. In fact, when you take the high road in a situation, (not arguing, staying quiet, or my favorite, witty one liners with sarcastic undertones) it usually pisses them off even more than stooping to their level.  Instant gratification for you, and you never had to succumb to their trollness. NOTE: If you're not careful, they WILL drop you down to their level and beat you with experience.

2.) Remember a troll's hatred, jealousy, judgments, etc. towards you is only a reflection of their inadequacies, insecurities, and inner demons they have (which they are unwilling to face). It has nothing to do with you, your words or your actions. Just let it go. NOTE: Think (or say): I'm rubber and your glue. What ever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you.

3.) The old saying "kill 'em with kindness"? Yea, so true. Not only will it drive them insane wondering why you are being so nice to them, it will cause "watch your back" syndrome as they know revenge is a dish best served cold. NOTE: Not that I am condoning revenge, karma will prevail, but they don't know that you're not going to try something <evil grin>

4.) Find new friends, rekindle old friendships, or try new things in a group setting. When you're happy, it opens the door for more happiness to flow in. Like attracts like, what you do returns to you 10 fold, bla, bla, bla.  NOTE: If you are prone to see/run into said trolls occasionally, exude happiness, joy, love, fun, etc. Its like rubbing it in, without actually rubbing it in. Perception here, people!

May your journey be troll free!

What Makes The Widowed Hottie Happy? A Conundrum.

A friend of mine I went to see last week recommended I make a list. List EVERYTHING, she said. What I want in a romantic relationship, what I want in a job, what I want to get done, what I want for ME. Then, as I accomplish things on my list, I check them off, reviewing the list periodically to see how much I've accomplished.

 
Sa-weet! I LOVE lists! Without writing things down, I would be completely lost! Like the fact that I had apparently told my mom some time last week (you know, when I was stressing out about all the shit going on in my life and sick in bed for two days) that I'd be over at her house this afternoon to watch a movie she had just bought, that I can't remember the name of. Yea, didn't write it down, so I forgot. I know, I know. Daughter 101 for the fail! And I was really embarrassed when she called me today and asked me if I was on my way over and I was like, why would I be on my way over? FUCK! I'm soo sorry, mom! My bad. Love u! Thank God she knows I'm a space Cadette at times.

I want my list to be the best list I have ever written. We're talking New York Times Bestseller, Nobel Prize winning, book tour, webpage owning, amazing list! I mean, my entire future is riding on this! A few ideas in my head, nothing concrete, just jot them down, go from there, a work in progress, easy peasy, right? Ummm, not so much. After seeing the only things on my list were: 1.) a square to house the check mark in when I accomplish said task, and 2.) the words "awesome, high paying job" next to it, I realized I'm actually not sure what I want. I know a shit ton of stuff I don't want. But exactly what DO I want?  

I have always been a driven, self confident woman. I knew what I wanted, and how to get it. Yet, now that I am 30, I'm clueless. I'm totally blaming this on widdah brain. I sat there and thought (cuz my mind is a perpetual think tank) ... what makes me happy? I was pulling up old files from the way back machine's storage vault, looking through old pictures, remembering good times, talking with friends. And then it hit me ... <evil grin> I know what makes me happy!

I turned to a clean page in my notebook, titled the page What Makes The Widowed Hottie Happy?, drew my standard square to house my check mark in when I accomplish the task, and wrote the following: MOTORCYCLES: A Ducati! I got the riding bug at age 19. A co-worker of mine rode and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to hear his riding stories. His stories led me to purchase my first bike - a 2001 Kawasaki Ninja 250. Riding said Ninja led me to the most awesome, Über elitist snob, motorcycle club in my area (now defunct). And said, now defunct, Über elitist snob motorcycle club led me to the most amazing friends which I still have. And my most amazing friends which I still have led me to my wonderful husband. Good times.

One of my favorite sayings is, and yea, its a Nikki original: You can take the girl outta the sportbike, but you can't take the sportbike outta the girl. With that said, I never lost my riding bug, its always been there. Life just happened around me, and it got put on the back burner. However, now its back. with.a.vengeance. Something I must not ignore. It is who I am; it is what I love; it is what makes me happy.

Imagine that? Three little words ended up with 4 pages and counting of things I want. Things that make me happy. I need a job to afford a motorcycle, so that's on there with my qualifications listed. When I start riding again, its certain that I need a man who also rides, so that's on there with my qualifications listed. I need to do things around the house so when I do get back into riding again, I can dedicate all my free time to riding, so there's a to do list in there, too.

While writing my list in progress, not once did I get angry. Not once did I cry. I even actually smiled! For the first time in 2+ years, I was genuinely happy. Alone at night, with my thoughts, happy. So now I'm off to make my dreams come true, and start checking things off my list. Vroom, vroom, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack!

Loss After Loss

Without a doubt, the most epic loss one can experience is the death of a spouse. Thus far, no loss I have ever gone through was as painful, life changing, or devastating as losing my wonderful husband. I thought for sure we would grow old together, we'd retire by the ocean, and spend the day holding hands and rocking in rocking chairs on the wrap around porch of our Craftsman Bungalow. Pound sand, fate!

I've had my share of loss after loss. It seems like almost anything I do, from seeking happiness, to relieving physical pain ends in some sort of loss. 

Certain friends I lost. I really miss the company of someone who knew exactly what I was going through, the laughs, the gourmet dinners, and the booze. But, I really DON'T miss the drama. I am grateful for all I learned and experienced during that time.

Certain loves I lost. I really miss the companionship, the laughs, the marathon all-nighters of video game playing, and someone to run their fingers through my hair, while I lay in their arms, until I fell asleep. But, I really DON'T miss the hurt. I am grateful that I was loved after love.

Certain material possessions. I really miss having everything Kane and I worked hard for, a yard, a fast convertible on cool fall nights, a back seat, and planting flowers. But, I really DON'T miss the upkeep of a large house, the maintenance, or being miles and miles from civilization. I am grateful for the happy memories.

Inability to have children. This was a decision my husband and I didn't make lightly. I was in such severe, constant pain, I almost passed out at work, I couldn't sleep at night, I was miserable. Surgery was my only option for relief. My wonderful husband told me he would rather have the love of his life not suffering over having children any day. Am I sad I can't have children naturally? A little. But I have accepted that it just wasn't in the cards for me. And if I do decide to invite love into my life again, I KNOW he will be completely accepting of my inabilities, focusing only on my abilities. I am grateful I was in the hospital ending my physical pain when he died as I didn't have to witness it, and I am equally grateful we did not have children as I would not want to explain daily where daddy was.

So here's my question: was it really necessary to have all the loss that followed this most epic loss of my life? The answer is ... was it really a loss? That which fell away needed to fall away. It was no longer for my highest and best good. It was an experience I needed to have that was only temporary. Each loss told me it was OK to grieve, be sad and shed tears. Each loss taught me a lesson. Each loss allowed me the opportunity to give thanks, and see the underlying love. Each loss further defined what I want in my life.

I must see this from a perspective of not loss, but rather gain. Look at all I have gained from what I thought was a loss. I gained new friends, a new attitude on love, new possessions, I no longer judge as it hurt when I was judged, and acceptance for things in my life I had no control over. I am now prepared for future "loss" because after the loss of my husband, everything else is so insignificant. And after each loss I experience, something better replaces it.

HAPPY LITTLE TREES! HAPPY LITTLE TREES!

"There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents" -Bob Ross

Kane and I LOVED! watching "Joy of Painting". Every time it came on, we'd sit there, glued to the screen, mesmerized by his abilities, his gentle demeanor, and that 'fro!!! Screaming out for him to paint happy little trees in his world as if we were at a MotoGP track cheering on our favorite rider to pass in the straight away. Then high-fiving and hootin' and hollerin' loudly when he did so.

I first heard Bob Ross say the quote above when I was watching PBS while trying to escape life right after Kane died. 30 minutes was all I got, but any escape was welcome. I'd imagine living in the little log cabin he just painted, hundreds of miles away from the pain, torture, and sadness in my unhappy little world. Walking along the dirt path dusted with snow, taking in the chilly air, and plotting the best place in the clearing to build a snow man. Alas, it was just that, my imagination. Snap, back to reality. Even the beautiful landscape he had so effortlessly finished in a span of 30 minutes (including obsessive brush washing & drying) could not absorb the gut wrenching despair I was feeling. It would take a shit ton o' happy little trees to take that away, and I don't think there's a canvas in the world big enough to do that.

On my canvas of life, Lord knows I've had my share of "happy, little accidents". In fact, my canvas is littered with them. Randomness seemed the theme, but over time, they grew, multiplied, and I believe even started to develop language skills, and were most likely in deep conversations about taking over the world. No matter what I did, they kept coming. Even if I sat alone, refusing to go out, declining to see or talk to anyone, barricaded in the bedroom Kane and I had once shared, curtains & blinds closed tight, no way the outside world is getting in, one of those little fuckers would make their mark on my canvas much to my dismay.

Over the last 2+ years, I began really looking at my canvas of life. I noticed in the spots where the happy little accidents had not yet cultivated, there were happy little trees. A lot of them. Holy shit! An entire forest! The sound of a Ducati's dry clutch, the smell of race gas in the morning, witty one liners I've said, blond moments I've pulled, awesome friends, a wonderful husband I was happy to call my own who gave me the most amazing 6+ years of my life, things I'd seen, places I'd been, my beauty, my blessings, the love I still have left to give ... And I also realized the happy little accidents could easily be covered up with a little titanium white, making room for more happy little trees in my world!

I must remind myself of the following: Anything you do takes time to master (instant success is rare). You never really stop learning. Always look for ways to better yourself, add to your abilities, and fine tune your skills. Yes, attention, focus, and pure will power, as well as a little blood, sweat, and tears, are required; if not, it wouldn't be worth it. If you start something that you realize later wasn't for you, that's OK. It's merely a fork in the road of your snow dusted, dirt path. Stop, rest, and regroup before you decide which path to continue on. If you feel like giving up because you think you should be further along by now, look at how far you've come. You are a journey, not a destination.

I will now take my time, learn, and better myself to become the master painter of the canvas of my life. Magically adding a few more fan brush strokes, mixed with some Prussian Blue & Yellow Ochre to fill in the happy little accidents. It will become a masterpiece even Bob Ross would be proud of. Bring on the happy little trees!!!!!!!

Sorry, Heart Closed For Renovation

I have ALWAYS been one to follow my heart. Right, wrong. Positive, negative. Crazy, sane.  Since I was a child, I've heard “Follow your heart, Nikki”, “Trust what's in your heart, Nikki”, “The heart always knows, Nikki” bla bla bla. Hearing that day in, day out, year after year, really imprints a permanent mark on your psyche. What I really should have done was take a logical approach in all situations, and follow my mind. I think back on all the mistakes I've made, people I've hurt, ties I've broken, bridges I've burned; it all reverts back to one thing … I followed my heart.

If I hadn't followed my heart, I wouldn't be a widow. If I hadn't followed my heart, I wouldn't be unemployed. If I hadn't followed my heart, I wouldn't be in this city. If I hadn't followed my heart, I wouldn't have student loans. If I hadn't followed my heart, I would probably be a hell of a lot happier.

People have always said what happens is meant to happen. Seriously? When the FUCK did I sign up for this shit??? I follow my heart and I end up in more trouble then I would have if I followed my mind.
You know, like when your GPS epic! fails on your way home from a night out and lands you in a part of town you wouldn't be caught dead in during the day, let alone at 2 AM. And if it wasn't for the fact that you have a fast car, and the ability to spot a cop a mile away you probably would end up dead. On second thought, maybe that isn't such a bad alternative?

The last 2+ years I have been focusing on finding someone to fill the void left when Kane died. Thinking this is the only way I will ever be happy again, yet I don't think I have ever been so miserable in my entire life. Not only losing the most wonderful man in the world, the only one that will probably be able to accept me for me, love me unconditionally, and miss my little quirks when I'm not around, but having disaster after disaster in my life solely because I was trying so desperately to fill a void. In the process I compromised my core beliefs and values, I changed who I was (you know, the wonderful woman Kane fell so madly in love with?) and not for the better, disregarded the people in my life who meant the most, embarrassed myself, stopped doing things I had always loved, and became this person I don't recognize in the mirror any longer.

My heart is now closed for renovations. It needs a lot of work. But this is one fixer upper that's worth the effort. To become the shining star of the neighborhood, an example others will want to follow. So, as I turn off the GPS of my heart in preparation for said renovations, I will now follow the map of my mind. Where logical meets reality. Where I can see the dead ends, bad neighborhoods, traffic, and construction along the way so they can be avoided. On this road called life.

The Widowed Hottie's 1st Law of Widowhood: Singlehood Is The Direct Effect of Widowhood

By trade I am an analyst. I analyze everything! Decisions, choices, options. Everything gets an equal, yet separate evaluation in my mind. I can't help it; that's how I roll. And lord knows I have the time to do so.

Every once in a while I throw my analysis to the wind, and - against my better judgment - take a chance. In most cases, this occurs when it comes to matters of the heart. Regardless of whether my analysis was positive or negative (usually not so much on the positive side), I open my heart, give my all, and pray a slash doesn't come between my 'less than' and my 'three'.

I've never liked being on my own. I mean I get by (I can do small stuff around the house, I can feed myself, and take care of things when they come up) but I'm always so much better when I have someone that completes me (and can do the "man" stuff around the house). When I married Kane I was so happy that I would never have to worry about being on my own again. We'd live happily ever after, and if we didn't die at the same time, (which I was certain we would), I would go first. Pfft! Oh, the day dreams of a 23 year old! Seriously, though? Who goes into a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) thinking about your significant other's untimely demise? Especially in your 20's!

While we were married we discussed death often. A good friend of ours died suddenly so it was hard to avoid the subject. Its nothing one wants to discuss, yet important to do so. Knowing each persons wants and expectations of final arrangements is no different than knowing wants and expectations in other areas of life. Just like taxes, death is inevitable. Kane wanted to be cremated and a party thrown in his honor. And that's exactly what I did.

2 years, 11 weeks, and 6 days ago I was thrown in to, kicking and screaming, against my will, in utter denial, no mercy here people!, exactly that position. I was 27 and no longer a wife. I instantly had 2 new titles: widow ... and single.

In my (what seems like) perpetual quest over the last 2+ years to find love again, I have been the victim of many a loser and douche bag. Or have I? Let's change the perception here a bit. Maybe these men did me a favor. With each heart ache, my heart healed and grew bigger. With each whisper of 'I Love You', I was lovable again. With each happy moment, I was capable of happiness. And with each loss, something better replaced it. All the while preparing me (mind, body, and soul) for the next great love of my life.

The universe works in mysterious ways ... bound by a set of laws both scientific and spiritual. Most of us are familiar with scientific laws: Newton's Inertia, Einstein's Relativity, Hubble's Cosmic Expansion, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle (you know, complicated mathematical equations including not only numbers, but letters and symbols I can't find on a keyboard, taking years to solve, only to prove something I didn't know needed proving).

And some of us are familiar with Universal laws: Law of Attraction, Law of Karma, Law of Intention (you know, easy to comprehend, non-mathematical, spiritually based concepts which are easily explained using the options available on a keyboard, yet such a BITCH! to put into practice).

I don't claim to understand the universe. I mean I dropped out of Physics 101. In my defence, the teacher was impossible to understand, difficult to hear, and he insisted on talking to the black board rather than the class! And, yea, sometimes I get a headache watching the Science Channel. But I have seen these laws in action. Working harmoniously together, not against each other, to make up my world, your world, our world.
 
With that said: I will keep moving forward, at the speed of light, to expand my horizons, in these uncertain times, thinking only of what I want, making good choices in the process, because I have desire to escape The Widowed Hottie's 1st Law of Widowhood.

My Life's Purpose AKA Ohhhh, Shiny! Syndrome

His Holiness the Dalai Lama once wrote: "The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness". Easy peasy, right? Seek out things that make you happy. Yet, at the same time, so complex, right? The things you do to seek happiness can often lead to drama, hurt, & sadness. The complete opposite of happiness. A catch 22?

How could you not look at this face and smile?

Since Kane died, I have really tried to do just that; seek happiness. I mean the one thing in my life that was the core source of my happiness, Kane, is no longer. EVERYTHING I found happy involved him in some way. From riding motorcycles, to grocery shopping, even the tiniest glimmer of happiness usually involved Kane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to put him on a pedestal like some widow/ers do for their dead spouse. Not everything during our life together was roses, but I can count on one hand the times weeds invaded our rose garden. Not bad for 7 years together, eh?

Right after he died, I immersed myself in work. I had a great, high paying job I actually enjoyed going to every morning. Like all good things, that came to an end 3 months after he died. I was laid off. FUCK! What do I do now? Being alone all day in the house, with nothing to do but let my mind wander. This can't be good. And there is only so much Farmville and solitare one can play. I reverted back to the things that we had once shared, thinking maybe if I do these things again, even though he isn't there to share with me, I can still find joy? Not so much. The store was so boring without him as I had no one to yell "INCOMING!!!" to as I threw something from across the isle at him to put in the cart. Or to defuse a mock tantrum he created because I told him to put back something he placed in the cart (when he thought I wasn't looking) that wasn't on our list - and that he had 3 of at home already. Oh, the looks we got! Priceless!

Starbucks just wasn't the same, either. I don't go there for the coffee, I go there for the ambiance, of which was suddenly slacking sans the presence of Kane. I could carry on a conversation with myself about anything and everything under the sun and beyond for hours while nursing a venti red-eye, but I really didn't want to add getting kicked out of Starbucks to my list of places I was kicked out of. I would silently sit and read, and finish a book. Then have to go to Barnes & Noble for a different book to which was another place we frequented (and I tried to avoid after he died). Thx, shitty economy for helping me with that one. I refuse to drive 20 miles just to visit a bookstore because all the ones in my area are closed!

Even the one thing I liked most, the one thing responsible for Kane and I getting together, wasn't the same. Riding cup cake on a motorcycle was fun, don't get me wrong, but it just wasn't as enjoyable when the rider wasn't Kane. I missed stopping at a light, him kicking the bike in N to look back at me, or placing his hand on my leg while riding down the 101. It was sad to watch as all the things I once enjoyed, evading me. But then again, they weren't really the same things I once enjoyed, were they? Because something, err, someone was missing.

Eventually, I got my groove back. I told myself, "self, you have got to knock this shit off! He's gone, he's not coming back, and alienating yourself from the world isn't going to bring him back. Just deal with the fact that you are alone." Well, I didn't want to deal with being alone. Enter Meetup.com. So many interesting things to meet up about, new people to meet, new experiences! W0ot! Of course, after a year of drama, sadness, and hurt, I nixed that, too.

I tried traveling next. I have been to more places in the last 2 years then I have in my entire life. San Francisco (3x), San Jose (2x)/MotoGP, Napa & Sonoma (2x), SLO/Central Coast (2x), Mexico, D.C./Maryland, San Diego, and most recently NYC (and surrounding areas). I have seen and done some amazing things. I should probably write a travel guide. But traveling also brought some sadness and drama (getting car sick in Napa, getting flipped off by a muslim woman in D.C.), and of course, the lonely nights abroad were a BITCH, too!

San Francisco                                                MotoGP

Napa                                               Central Coast

 Mexico                                                      D.C

 San Diego                                                    NYC

And, yes. I took all of these picutres.

As I look back on things, I realize they never lasted. Boredom after excitement (Meetup.com), seeing no happiness in shopping any more (grocery stores), always having to fly home after an amazing trip (see previous paragraph & pictures), etc., only left me with feelings of things I want (perpetual happiness) and don't want (drama, hurt, sadness). Alas, Ohhhh, Shiny! Syndrome at its fullest. Oh, that looks fun! Do that for a while then have to come home, Oh, that looks fun! Ok, that didn't last, what's next?

What exactly is my purpose? To learn and try as many things as I can before I die to gain street creds in heaven when I do die? And when do I get to put my extensive knowledge I've gained over the last 2 years into action? You know, actually use what I learned (there's a concept!), settle down, and try and apply things in the next chapter in my life, sans Kane. I'm soooo ready for something that will last! I'm qualified, Universe, just give me a chance!

My Angel of Music

I have Kane to thank for introducing me to the fantasticness that is The Phantom of The Opera. When we moved in together, my mission, should I choose to accept it (like I had a choice!) was combine our separate CD collections and take out the duplicates (there were a lot). That man had so much music in CD form. This was pre-iTunes, ladies & gentleman. I'll not even get into his 1,500+ songs on his hard drive, mostly obtained in the Napster days... Beer good, Napster, BAD! 

I was not familiar with anything about the Phantom.  Only a poster I had once seen of the infamous mask and rose, and shattered glass wording as well as hearing the thespians at school

ohh'ing and ahh'ing anytime anyone even mentioned the word "Phantom". I never paid any mind ( I used to make fun of the thespians, what could they possibly know about what's 'cool'?), and I really had no interest in investigating further. I didn't ask, and continued to sort the CDs.

BACKGROUND: Over the years, Kane introduced me to so many songs. New (Boten Anna - Jonanas Basehunter), new to me (Coin Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls), and old stuff (i.e. from the 80's) I had forgotten about (Puttin' On The Ritz - Taco). Anytime we weren't watching TV *READ: fighting over a crime drama I wanted to watch verses something stupid on the Military Channel he wanted to watch. I always won BTW* we were listening to music. Parties - had the music pumping; driving in the car - totally rocking out; at the grocery store, singing along to the music. It wasn't until we moved into our first house did I open my mouth to inquire about the "weird, 2-CD case with the scary mask on it that won't fit in the new CD rack we just bought". Kane got as giddy as a school girl with a crush.

"What do you mean 'what's The Phantom of the Opera'?!?!?!"
"I guess I'm not as socially ept to things as you" was my smart ass answer.
"Oh, baby! You're in for a treat" He said, finishing with his famous shit-eating grin.
*Sigh, here it comes. I'd better get the soap box, a snack, a drink, and a seat cuz this is gonna be a while.

No lecture followed, he simply put in the CD and pressed play. That night we sat and listened to the entire Original 1986 London Cast Phantom sound track as performed by Sarah Brightman & Michael Crawford. Every so often, he would explain parts of the play and what the songs meant. I was smitten! He even wired our door bell to play the song *spoiler alert for the socially inept who haven't yet seen it* when the chandelier comes to life in the opening scene.

After hearing the music, and his raving about it, I wanted to see it for myself. Unfortunately, living in Phoenix, the only venue to see such a production was Gammage Auditorium. I say unfortunately because it was hardly Broadway, and shows only came through every few years. Lucky for me, it was playing there in a few months. Kane jumped on the tickets, guarded them with his life, and in September of that year, we saw The Phantom.

Tragedy comes to mind when describing the venue of my first Phantom experience. In the months leading up to the show, I had listened to that CD all the time, preparing myself to know the words to all the songs, and who was singing what parts. I knew that score like the back of my hand, and was utterly devastated when the Phantom's microphone kept cutting out during the performance, and the music was not the London Symphony Orchestra, rather a tape recording from a tape that had obviously seen better days. After we left, he promised me "Baby, one day we will go see it on Broadway". Obviously, because my blog title is The Widowed Hottie, that never happened.

Our love for the Phantom never died because of one crappy show. We continued to listen to the CD, saw the movie when it came out, bought the movie when available on DVD, watched it about once a month, and our last anniversary together was at The Phantom show in Las Vegas. Throughout our time together, music was always the center of our world. I started telling him "You are my Angel of Music" *a reference to one of the songs from The Phantom of the Opera* His response? "I will always be your Angel of Music"

After he died, I turned to music to comfort me. Playing endless hours of music that reminded me of him, us, being happy. It brought great comfort to me, yet saddened me at the same time to realize he wasn't there. Beginning soon after he died, he would send me songs on the radio, my iPod in shuffle mode, and, when I was finally able to venture out alone, places I went. To this day, almost every time I get in the car, I ask him to send me songs. He always obliges.

Set the sorta way back machine to last week. On what would have been our 7th wedding anniversary, I got - and took - the opportunity to go see The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. You know, like in NYC, bitches!, theater district, around the corner from Times Square, and that odd, 4 story Walgreen's where I got my I <3 NY coffee cup.  

It was amazing! Magic was in the air. I could feel Kane there with me. Smiling down at me, sharing in my joy of doing something I had always wanted to do. I knew my Angel of Music had made it possible for me to go there, at that time, to keep a promise he had made to me several years earlier.

Let's set the sorta way back machine one more time ... Date: Today Time: 12:00 PM AZ time Location: Driving to my parents' house:

I did my usual "send me songs" routine when I started driving. The songs kept me entertained for the 45 minute drive. Of course, I had to play radio commando and was constantly switching stations (I neglected to put my iPod back in my car upon my return from NYC). My parents live out in the boonies. The 16+ miles of open desert and nothingness plays havoc on radio stations. And since my preset stations are notorious for having commercials on at.the.same.time!, I kept switching. As I entered the turn lane to pull into my 'rents' 'hood, I made one last request. "My Angel of Music, please send me a song". I flipped the tuner button on my steering wheel one more time, and the preset which usually played my favorite old school hip hop jams, came on. But this song wasn't Sir Mix-A-Lot, Tone-Loc, or En vogue. In fact, it wasn't even hip hop! The song this preset picked up, in the middle of the desert, which was a weak signal even in the heart of Down Town Phoenix so I was amazed anything came through, was playing a tune from the 70's. The same song, in fact, playing on the radio 7 years earlier. When Kane and I entered the city limits of Las Vegas. Marriage capital of the world. The song I was about to change the station on when he gave me the look of death, warning me that if I even thought of touching the radio I was in trouble, only to proceed by grabbing my hand, kissing it, looking into my eyes, and serenading me. That anthem for the first day of the rest of our lives, and one that plays a special role in my heart above all other songs ...? http://youtu.be/y8pvXLVu8Yk

My Angel of Music FTW!