People have always said what happens is meant to happen. Seriously? When the FUCK did I sign up for this shit??? I follow my heart and I end up in more trouble then I would have if I followed my mind.
You know, like when your GPS epic! fails on your way home from a night out and lands you in a part of town you wouldn't be caught dead in during the day, let alone at 2 AM. And if it wasn't for the fact that you have a fast car, and the ability to spot a cop a mile away you probably would end up dead. On second thought, maybe that isn't such a bad alternative?
The last 2+ years I have been focusing on finding someone to fill the void left when Kane died. Thinking this is the only way I will ever be happy again, yet I don't think I have ever been so miserable in my entire life. Not only losing the most wonderful man in the world, the only one that will probably be able to accept me for me, love me unconditionally, and miss my little quirks when I'm not around, but having disaster after disaster in my life solely because I was trying so desperately to fill a void. In the process I compromised my core beliefs and values, I changed who I was (you know, the wonderful woman Kane fell so madly in love with?) and not for the better, disregarded the people in my life who meant the most, embarrassed myself, stopped doing things I had always loved, and became this person I don't recognize in the mirror any longer.
My heart is now closed for renovations. It needs a lot of work. But this is one fixer upper that's worth the effort. To become the shining star of the neighborhood, an example others will want to follow. So, as I turn off the GPS of my heart in preparation for said renovations, I will now follow the map of my mind. Where logical meets reality. Where I can see the dead ends, bad neighborhoods, traffic, and construction along the way so they can be avoided. On this road called life.
Nicki, I wish you the best of luck on your renovations. I am following my heart right now and fear more pain. I am not sure I am ready for much but right now it feels good and that is much better than the pain.
ReplyDeleteThx, Miss. Him! Sending you love & light. May you never experience the pain I have. <3
ReplyDeleteNicki....Problem is, you're trying to fill a void that can't be filled. The void left by Kane has to fill on it's own..THEN you can be free to find someone else. I think I would also have to be able to put my LH on the backburner in order to have a new relationship, and I know that I'm not ready for him to not be first in my life still. For me,I won't ever try to fill the void with someone else.I'll continue to concentrate on me. On friends, and fun, and laughter and find the part of me that's left after all that has happened. Once I figure out totally who *I* am, only then would I be able to let someone else in. You're right though...by not being yourself, you're not going to find the person for you. We should never have to change to fit someone into our life; they should just fit like jigsaw pieces.
ReplyDeleteWe've definitely changed though, and those changes might surprise you with who you end up with, and in the end that's the best thing. A new person who compliments the new Nicki. A Nicki who is changed, but is still true to who SHE is.
I read a quote once: "Who's to say if I once found the soulmate for who I once was...I won't find the soulmate for who I've become."
Have faith girl...good things are coming your way.
♥ Tracy (aka FuzzyBunnyFeet)
Tracy, you are sooo right!! And I love your quote! Keeping the faith! <3
ReplyDeleteTracy, love your comment and the quote!
ReplyDeleteNicki, I wish you all the best, sounds to me like you're on the right track here.
Hugs!
Iris
Thx, Iris! I sure hope so! :)
ReplyDelete