My Life's Purpose AKA Ohhhh, Shiny! Syndrome

His Holiness the Dalai Lama once wrote: "The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness". Easy peasy, right? Seek out things that make you happy. Yet, at the same time, so complex, right? The things you do to seek happiness can often lead to drama, hurt, & sadness. The complete opposite of happiness. A catch 22?

How could you not look at this face and smile?

Since Kane died, I have really tried to do just that; seek happiness. I mean the one thing in my life that was the core source of my happiness, Kane, is no longer. EVERYTHING I found happy involved him in some way. From riding motorcycles, to grocery shopping, even the tiniest glimmer of happiness usually involved Kane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to put him on a pedestal like some widow/ers do for their dead spouse. Not everything during our life together was roses, but I can count on one hand the times weeds invaded our rose garden. Not bad for 7 years together, eh?

Right after he died, I immersed myself in work. I had a great, high paying job I actually enjoyed going to every morning. Like all good things, that came to an end 3 months after he died. I was laid off. FUCK! What do I do now? Being alone all day in the house, with nothing to do but let my mind wander. This can't be good. And there is only so much Farmville and solitare one can play. I reverted back to the things that we had once shared, thinking maybe if I do these things again, even though he isn't there to share with me, I can still find joy? Not so much. The store was so boring without him as I had no one to yell "INCOMING!!!" to as I threw something from across the isle at him to put in the cart. Or to defuse a mock tantrum he created because I told him to put back something he placed in the cart (when he thought I wasn't looking) that wasn't on our list - and that he had 3 of at home already. Oh, the looks we got! Priceless!

Starbucks just wasn't the same, either. I don't go there for the coffee, I go there for the ambiance, of which was suddenly slacking sans the presence of Kane. I could carry on a conversation with myself about anything and everything under the sun and beyond for hours while nursing a venti red-eye, but I really didn't want to add getting kicked out of Starbucks to my list of places I was kicked out of. I would silently sit and read, and finish a book. Then have to go to Barnes & Noble for a different book to which was another place we frequented (and I tried to avoid after he died). Thx, shitty economy for helping me with that one. I refuse to drive 20 miles just to visit a bookstore because all the ones in my area are closed!

Even the one thing I liked most, the one thing responsible for Kane and I getting together, wasn't the same. Riding cup cake on a motorcycle was fun, don't get me wrong, but it just wasn't as enjoyable when the rider wasn't Kane. I missed stopping at a light, him kicking the bike in N to look back at me, or placing his hand on my leg while riding down the 101. It was sad to watch as all the things I once enjoyed, evading me. But then again, they weren't really the same things I once enjoyed, were they? Because something, err, someone was missing.

Eventually, I got my groove back. I told myself, "self, you have got to knock this shit off! He's gone, he's not coming back, and alienating yourself from the world isn't going to bring him back. Just deal with the fact that you are alone." Well, I didn't want to deal with being alone. Enter Meetup.com. So many interesting things to meet up about, new people to meet, new experiences! W0ot! Of course, after a year of drama, sadness, and hurt, I nixed that, too.

I tried traveling next. I have been to more places in the last 2 years then I have in my entire life. San Francisco (3x), San Jose (2x)/MotoGP, Napa & Sonoma (2x), SLO/Central Coast (2x), Mexico, D.C./Maryland, San Diego, and most recently NYC (and surrounding areas). I have seen and done some amazing things. I should probably write a travel guide. But traveling also brought some sadness and drama (getting car sick in Napa, getting flipped off by a muslim woman in D.C.), and of course, the lonely nights abroad were a BITCH, too!

San Francisco                                                MotoGP

Napa                                               Central Coast

 Mexico                                                      D.C

 San Diego                                                    NYC

And, yes. I took all of these picutres.

As I look back on things, I realize they never lasted. Boredom after excitement (Meetup.com), seeing no happiness in shopping any more (grocery stores), always having to fly home after an amazing trip (see previous paragraph & pictures), etc., only left me with feelings of things I want (perpetual happiness) and don't want (drama, hurt, sadness). Alas, Ohhhh, Shiny! Syndrome at its fullest. Oh, that looks fun! Do that for a while then have to come home, Oh, that looks fun! Ok, that didn't last, what's next?

What exactly is my purpose? To learn and try as many things as I can before I die to gain street creds in heaven when I do die? And when do I get to put my extensive knowledge I've gained over the last 2 years into action? You know, actually use what I learned (there's a concept!), settle down, and try and apply things in the next chapter in my life, sans Kane. I'm soooo ready for something that will last! I'm qualified, Universe, just give me a chance!