Sa-weet! I LOVE lists! Without writing things down, I would be completely lost! Like the fact that I had apparently told my mom some time last week (you know, when I was stressing out about all the shit going on in my life and sick in bed for two days) that I'd be over at her house this afternoon to watch a movie she had just bought, that I can't remember the name of. Yea, didn't write it down, so I forgot. I know, I know. Daughter 101 for the fail! And I was really embarrassed when she called me today and asked me if I was on my way over and I was like, why would I be on my way over? FUCK! I'm soo sorry, mom! My bad. Love u! Thank God she knows I'm a space Cadette at times.
I want my list to be the best list I have ever written. We're talking New York Times Bestseller, Nobel Prize winning, book tour, webpage owning, amazing list! I mean, my entire future is riding on this! A few ideas in my head, nothing concrete, just jot them down, go from there, a work in progress, easy peasy, right? Ummm, not so much. After seeing the only things on my list were: 1.) a square to house the check mark in when I accomplish said task, and 2.) the words "awesome, high paying job" next to it, I realized I'm actually not sure what I want. I know a shit ton of stuff I don't want. But exactly what DO I want?
I have always been a driven, self confident woman. I knew what I wanted, and how to get it. Yet, now that I am 30, I'm clueless. I'm totally blaming this on widdah brain. I sat there and thought (cuz my mind is a perpetual think tank) ... what makes me happy? I was pulling up old files from the way back machine's storage vault, looking through old pictures, remembering good times, talking with friends. And then it hit me ... <evil grin> I know what makes me happy!
I turned to a clean page in my notebook, titled the page What Makes The Widowed Hottie Happy?, drew my standard square to house my check mark in when I accomplish the task, and wrote the following: MOTORCYCLES: A Ducati! I got the riding bug at age 19. A co-worker of mine rode and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to hear his riding stories. His stories led me to purchase my first bike - a 2001 Kawasaki Ninja 250. Riding said Ninja led me to the most awesome, Über elitist snob, motorcycle club in my area (now defunct). And said, now defunct, Über elitist snob motorcycle club led me to the most amazing friends which I still have. And my most amazing friends which I still have led me to my wonderful husband. Good times.
One of my favorite sayings is, and yea, its a Nikki original: You can take the girl outta the sportbike, but you can't take the sportbike outta the girl. With that said, I never lost my riding bug, its always been there. Life just happened around me, and it got put on the back burner. However, now its back. with.a.vengeance. Something I must not ignore. It is who I am; it is what I love; it is what makes me happy.
Imagine that? Three little words ended up with 4 pages and counting of things I want. Things that make me happy. I need a job to afford a motorcycle, so that's on there with my qualifications listed. When I start riding again, its certain that I need a man who also rides, so that's on there with my qualifications listed. I need to do things around the house so when I do get back into riding again, I can dedicate all my free time to riding, so there's a to do list in there, too.
While writing my list in progress, not once did I get angry. Not once did I cry. I even actually smiled! For the first time in 2+ years, I was genuinely happy. Alone at night, with my thoughts, happy. So now I'm off to make my dreams come true, and start checking things off my list. Vroom, vroom, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack!
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