Loss After Loss

Without a doubt, the most epic loss one can experience is the death of a spouse. Thus far, no loss I have ever gone through was as painful, life changing, or devastating as losing my wonderful husband. I thought for sure we would grow old together, we'd retire by the ocean, and spend the day holding hands and rocking in rocking chairs on the wrap around porch of our Craftsman Bungalow. Pound sand, fate!

I've had my share of loss after loss. It seems like almost anything I do, from seeking happiness, to relieving physical pain ends in some sort of loss. 

Certain friends I lost. I really miss the company of someone who knew exactly what I was going through, the laughs, the gourmet dinners, and the booze. But, I really DON'T miss the drama. I am grateful for all I learned and experienced during that time.

Certain loves I lost. I really miss the companionship, the laughs, the marathon all-nighters of video game playing, and someone to run their fingers through my hair, while I lay in their arms, until I fell asleep. But, I really DON'T miss the hurt. I am grateful that I was loved after love.

Certain material possessions. I really miss having everything Kane and I worked hard for, a yard, a fast convertible on cool fall nights, a back seat, and planting flowers. But, I really DON'T miss the upkeep of a large house, the maintenance, or being miles and miles from civilization. I am grateful for the happy memories.

Inability to have children. This was a decision my husband and I didn't make lightly. I was in such severe, constant pain, I almost passed out at work, I couldn't sleep at night, I was miserable. Surgery was my only option for relief. My wonderful husband told me he would rather have the love of his life not suffering over having children any day. Am I sad I can't have children naturally? A little. But I have accepted that it just wasn't in the cards for me. And if I do decide to invite love into my life again, I KNOW he will be completely accepting of my inabilities, focusing only on my abilities. I am grateful I was in the hospital ending my physical pain when he died as I didn't have to witness it, and I am equally grateful we did not have children as I would not want to explain daily where daddy was.

So here's my question: was it really necessary to have all the loss that followed this most epic loss of my life? The answer is ... was it really a loss? That which fell away needed to fall away. It was no longer for my highest and best good. It was an experience I needed to have that was only temporary. Each loss told me it was OK to grieve, be sad and shed tears. Each loss taught me a lesson. Each loss allowed me the opportunity to give thanks, and see the underlying love. Each loss further defined what I want in my life.

I must see this from a perspective of not loss, but rather gain. Look at all I have gained from what I thought was a loss. I gained new friends, a new attitude on love, new possessions, I no longer judge as it hurt when I was judged, and acceptance for things in my life I had no control over. I am now prepared for future "loss" because after the loss of my husband, everything else is so insignificant. And after each loss I experience, something better replaces it.