Stepping Wayyyyy Out of My Comfort Zone (and dare I say enjoying?) the Single Life

Its been 2 years, 4 months, 3 weeks and 6 days since I lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my wonderful husband. In the blink of an eye, I was thrown into something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (and I know some pretty shitty people). Forced to make changes, and do things alone when I had always relied on someone. Suddenly single after 5 1/2 wonderful years of pure bliss. My Friday & Saturday nights which were once booked solid for the rest of my life were now completely open. No company to dinner and coffee, no movie partner to hold hands with, or someone to say "Good morning, Sunshine" to me every morning. Conversations I had once enjoyed, and even not talking at all and knowing what the other was thinking are gone. And not to mention the witty one liners and funny stuff I would say or hear. I mean who's going to instantly get my reference and laugh when I say "Smell baaaaad!" Or "Beer, goooood!! Napster, baaaaaaddddd!" *sigh

Some insensitive people have told me, "but you're free to do whatever you want now. No one to answer to, or compromise with." Seriously? First off, you can pound sand for even thinking - let alone saying - something like that to a widow because you are a twit!; and 2nd, I didn't have to do those things when I was married. In addition to not having to do those things, I had someone by my side 24/7! Yea, I think I would take the married life over being single any day. Asshats!

Looking back over my widowhood journey, I've really grown, err, I should say grown up. For the last 2 years I've chased what I thought would make me happy. People, relationships, activities, etc. I knew these things would be my saving grace if I could just harness them and make them work. All I needed was to be around people, or be married again, or do something which could get me out of my misery, and then everything would be fine. Yet crappy people after crappy people, disaster after disaster, douche bag after douche bag, heartbreak after heartbreak, changing who I was to appease others, leaving me more empty inside then when I started, I needed a new strategy for happiness. "Strage-da-dy, na na na na na na na na, Strage-da-dy ..." See, I'm 100% certain only 2 people know what that means; one of them is dead, the other one just typed it. *double sigh

For the last almost 2 months, I've put my new stradgedady, *ahem, strategy for finding happiness into place. And let me tell you, it's actually worked! Fucking W0ot! The first thing I did was step out of my comfort zone. I'm very much a creature of habit. I LOVE! traditions, routines, etc. If my routine is thrown off - even if its because of something fun - my mind, body, and overall well being, are thrown into utter chaos. It sux. So you can imagine my - at first, resistance to - taking of the first step out of my little box that I call Nikki World, then my absolute delight in finding out doing so actually works towards accomplishing my goal of happiness. All it takes is one step, and suddenly your feet just keep on going.

So, for the last few months, I have been busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest doing the following:

1.) Taught myself how to cook. You know pots, pans, knives, and actually buying stuff not in the freezer or cookie isle (or as they say in my 'hood, alimentos congelados o galletas). My creations have included roasted shrimp & orzo salad, stroganoff, chicken picata, roman chicken, Salade Niçoise, and my favorite, roasted potatoes with garlic and rosemary
2.) I am learning how to sew
3.) I know how to iron
4.) I planted flowers. SIDENOTE: I have planted flowers before, but my issue was keeping them alive. Since I have vowed to keep them alive this time, its totally stepping out of my comfort zone by remembering to water them
5.) I have an herb garden started
6.) I joined a car club with others who have (and appreciate) the cars like mine
7. I went to the Halloween party, sans boy toy and I had a BLAST!
8.) I'm spending more time with my friends & family then I have in years (and I LOVE! it)
9.) I smile (yea, mom. I used "I" and "smile" in the same sentence). SIDENOTE: Its amazing the reaction I get when I smile and flirt. Some have a panic reaction due to such a hottie giving them the time of day. But for the others, I've met several new people, and they actually approached me, talked to me, and are still talking to me after the initial meeting
10.) "No" is my new favorite word, and I don't feel guilty saying it
11.) I have a job which I love and get paid a shit ton o' money
12.) And the proudest, "out of my comfort zone" move I've done recently is ... wait for it, wait for it ... I joined the choir at my gramma's church! Yep, I'm going to be singing my little heart out at the xmas program

Speaking of heart, my "closed for renovations" post noted I was talking some time off from romantic relationships and working on myself. Finding me, learning what I want and having faith I will get it, removing myself from negativity and drama, engulfing myself with positiveness, forgiving and forgetting, letting my past go so the new can come in, among other things. Though I am staying single for the time being - I'm having wayy too much fun not committing all my time to one person, as well as enjoying my plethora of "me" time, I am most certainly open to possibilities, armed, of course, with my new found ability to embrace the word no. Sa-weet! I'm gonna make one hell of a (hottie) wife for a deserving guy one day! So, with my heart now under new management, gone is the thinking it was only open (or closed) for one thing. Here to stay is the thinking that my heart is now open for the world. And what a big, wonderful world it is. I'll be all 'bring it!' & the world will be all "its already been brotten'". Kane would be so proud!