Will My Mind Please STFU???

This week has been hell!!! My body is all outta whack due to the germ factory I'm forced to be in during the day (in very tight quarters, I might add). My job, LOVE! it, but after fighting with Access 2007 all week (HATE! it), I had to get a new laptop. (It fixed the issue. Consistency much? Pound sand, Mr. Gates!). I've been running myself ragged with social commitments, and my sleep has seriously suffered because of it (how do you get rid of bags under your eyes?). I am once again sans hot water (3 days & counting) due to the slum lord who owns the unit below me's refusal to pull her head out of her ass and, here's an idea, be a landlord. And to top it all off, I took a chance (which I regret), said some stupid things (which I regret even more), and my mind has been in a non-stop, all-out, no-mercy-here-people, will you please just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY debate, full of coulda, shoulda, woulda's, why did I's, and tears. Let's not forget the tears. Lots and lots of tears. My faith has been tested, and yea, EPIC FAIL, my eyes have not been dry once while driving my car (super fun in rush hour traffic ... both ways <rolls eyes>), and all for nothing. I am no better off since my last blog post (opening my heart to the world - which I may close again). This.Is.Bull.Shit. Infinite faith is not enough, and even Yoda himself couldn't Jedi Mind Trick me into thinking these aren't the droids I'm looking for. The force is soooo not with me! *sigh

My week from hell started Monday night. I was up late Sunday night getting things done because I decided fucking off & doing the TTF run with the Z club on Saturday (and rushing my dog to the vet that night) was wayy more fun then actually getting things done. Don't get me wrong, I had a BLAST! (except for the vet part), but my 2 weeks worth of laundry was not so much. My work day was such a case of the Mondays, so I was really looking forward to the soup cook-off at my gramma's church that night.

As the church ladies and I sat there gabbing before the mass consumption of crock pot noms commenced, I let it slip "my late husband" in passing conversation. The look this woman gave me was classic; the same reaction I always get when people hear me say that. You know, like I'm contagious (don't worry your time will come, sweetheart - its called life), or something to be pitied like a homeless puppy (keep your pity, I don't need it). My night was over before it even started.

Fast forward an hour: The pastor's wife got on the microphone and had 4 people stand up and say what they were thankful for. Yea, each lady went on, and fucking on, about their wonderful husband, I love him so much, he's wonderful, I'm so glad he's in my life, bla bla bla. There I am, an hour passed my bed time, running off 4 hours sleep, trying to decompress from a hellacious Monday, stomach not happy with me due to all the soup I ate, and I could feel it. I was going to lose it. Right there at the table. In front of everyone. Commencing melt down in 3 ... 2 ... 1... I jumped up, ran into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Gut wrenching sobs that have not come out of me in months, tears flowing like Niagara fucking Falls. Next thing I knew, there were 3 ladies in the bathroom calling my name. Hugs all around, telling me how sorry they were, to let it out, and that they weren't going to leave me. In 10 minutes, the meltdown subsided, and I was able to drive home. And here I was, thinking I was strong. Pfft!

Enter Thursday. In expanding my social circle, I took a chance and hug out with a group of people around my age I had met through mutual acquaintances. Here I was the oldest in the group, (not an issue) and the only one single (big issue). Seriously? Who the fuck gets married/engaged when they are 20??? The engagement rings flashing their sparkly bling, the hand holding, the cute pet names flying. It hurt. I cried all the way home. It wasn't fair. What do they have that I don't? I don't think I will be hanging out with them anymore. I left in a hurry and cried all the way home. Asking God why? Cursing Kane for leaving me. Running through my mind how much I have accomplished, yet why do I still feel like I haven't moved an inch. Trying to find answers as to what's wrong with me, what am I supposed to be learning that I'm not, and praying for guidance, comfort, and serenity. Oh, to the happy couples, my bad. Congratu-fucking-lations!   

Enter yesterday. I'm out on break. That's "me" time. If I want to talk, I will. If I want to veg, de-stress, dream, or think about the stupid database I have to reverse engineer and can't get working, I'll do that. I'm not out there for social hour. I don't come out there to hear you go on an on about your wife, how you proposed to her, how you call her cute pet names, and how happy the last 30 years of marriage have been. My 15 minute break ='d 5 minute smoke & 10 minutes in the ladies room silently sobbing.

I'm very observant. I notice things. Is everyone but me married, engaged, have a boyfriend, or in a relationship??? If I see another couple holding hands, I'm gonna puke. If I hear one more commercial about Christmas proposals I'm going to scream. If I'm forced to listen to one more story about being married I'm going to go postal. Naw, I won't. Its not in my nature. I don't like being angry; its not who the new me is. I worked so hard to release my anger, I'm not about to let it come back. But, seriously? Why do I have to suffer? Wasn't taking my husband suffering enough? The only things I have are: my Happy Thoughts, and faith that some day soon they will come true. My knight in shining armor will not turn out to be a retard in tin foil, I will be the girl flashing her fancy engagement ring in every one's face & holding a FB count down for "T - n days & counting 'till my wedding', I will be the one telling my single/widowed friends "it will happen again, look at me". 

So I leave you with this: My Happy Thought to the universe for Mr. Perfect-For-Me:

"Thank you that the perfect man for me is in my life now. You know my qualifications, don't make me repeat them. And, for the love of Pete Sake's and everything holy, make it snappy will ya?!?!?

Namaste"