A Letter to Santa

I despise Christmas. I hate how busy stores, parking lots, and roads in general are. I hate how crappy people act because they are stressed and hurried. I hate how people think doing good one month a year will totally redeem them for being complete douche bags the previous 11 months. FYI, food pantries and homeless people need things year round. Just sayin'. Christmas carols make me physically ill. Last time I decorated for the holidays, I gave myself a killer migraine. And I especially hate buying gifts, wrapping them, and then driving all over God's green earth to deliver them.  <steps down from bitter soap box>

December is an especially hard month for me since I was widowed 2.5 years ago. December has so many bitter sweet memories for me; sweet because they were incredible experiences, and bitter because I no longer have them. December 13th, 2003 was the first time Kane said, "I love you!" to me. We were sitting in my car, I had just given him $1,800 for a down payment on a vehicle, and my first thought after he said it was "I'd love someone, too, if they just gave me $1,800!"  That was my inside voice of course. My outside voice answered with "I love you, too!" The first man to ever buy me jewelry (Kane) was on our first Christmas together. A beautiful diamond necklace he spent a lot of money on. Kane showed me just how wonderful the holidays could be. It was about friends, family, celebrating the birth of Jesus, and spreading hope and cheer. His passion for Christmas kinda wore off on me. Of course, after he died, all bets were off and I find myself hating this time of year again.

One of my fav pics of Kane and I. Our last Christmas together. 

Can you see the love in his eyes? Photographer: Tim Campbell

Kane's favorite holiday above all, bar none, was Christmas. He made such a big deal out of it, and he went all out. Our 12 ft, pre-light tree was the center of our festivities. Complete with beautiful crystal ornaments courtesy of my mom, as well as the picture ornament of Kane and I, and our friends, at our wedding reception giving the PSC salute, also courtesy of mom. The pre-lit garland so strategically wrapped around the banister of our stairs, leaving little room for surface space, annoyed the hell out of me any time I had to go up or down the stairs ...  which was several times a day. God help you if you had your hands full and both dogs and all three cats decided to see who could beat mommy up the stairs first. But I knew it made Kane happy to have the halls decked, so I refrained from complaining ... a lot ... ok, so maybe like once a week, I casually mentioned something... FINE! It was every time I went up or down the stairs, bitching and moaning about the "stupid, fucking garland" and how it hindered my safe trip up and/or down the stairs.

I remember when our cat, Shithead - yea, our cat was named Shithead - discovered the Christmas tree was a mecca for trouble, fun, and all around ruckus causing. We lost several bulb ornaments over the years, because, well, they were shiny, they rolled, and unfortunately when they hit the ceramic tile floor, they shattered into a million pieces thus rendering them no longer fun and another one not broken was required to continue kitty happy time. The bows on presents were removed in seconds, usually strung around the house, or left in the litter box. And forget about any type of ribbon on presents. It was chewed on until it became a hard, crusty, cat slobber infused wad of red and green, requiring re-application of new ribbon because yuck!. And the 12 foot tree made for ample hiding, sneak attacks, and general climbing. I don't know how many times Kane had to dig around in the tree to get a stuck - and crying - Shithead out of the middle of it.
 
Kane and I had our traditions for Christmas. Visit family, see friends, try to one up each other in the gift department, and enjoy each other's company. Now, as for gifts go, keeping things from him was near impossible. If he didn't guilt me into telling him his present, con me into letting him have just one present 3 weeks early, or pick up on my "pulling of a Nikki" and letting the surprise slip, he would unwrap presents, and re-wrap them before I got home. If for some reason he wasn't able to return the wrapping to its original format, he'd claim the cat got into the presents and "tore them up, on the side". Right! I'm waving the bull shit flag on that one! And that was when I started using plain white boxes to wrap things in. Even if he did tear open the corner to sneak a peak, a plain white box would make his efforts futile.

Its impossible for me to do anything holiday related without being reminded of Kane, our life together, and what I no longer have. Do you see now why I despise Christmas? I have been good about just treating it like any other month, changing the channel if something Christmas comes on, and avoiding malls and chain stores, etc. And seriously, why is Christmas the perfect time to propose to your girlfriend? I really don't need to hear radio ads about it!

Of course, I can't help but sort of get in the Christmas spirit. I mean, its all around me. I'm singing in the church choir, for Pete's Sakes! I'm trying to stay positive in my actions, and I try to leave out the word 'fucking' when I tell people Merry Christmas. I also decided to write a letter to Santa. Yes, I realize *spoiler alert* he isn't real, and yea I know I'm a bit old to be turning to Santa in my time of need, but really people? I'm disparate, and any avenue I can take to get my Christmas wishes sent to the universe for immediate answer I'm gonna take advantage of! Oh, and I will be delivering said letter to Santa via Macy's this weekend. It reads:

Dear Santa-

I realize you are busy. And yea, I know I'm a bit old to be writing you a letter for a Christmas wish. But, I figured, what the hell, right? Its all about intentions, and this is one intention I have faith will come to fruition. Besides, this one will cost you 0 dollars - PRICELESS! - and I even laid out all the details below of my wish to make it that much easier on you. You're welcome.

A little background for you before I lay out my wish for this year - and every year after that until my wish is granted. I'm resilient, and I have no qualms about bugging you, over and over and over. Just sayin'. I was married to the most wonderful man (who by the way LOVED! Christmas). After 4 1/2 years of wedded bliss, he suddenly died. I was 27, and in the hospital recovering from life changing surgery, discharged early so I could make his funeral arrangements ... on my birthday. The last 2 1/2 years have really sucked. I lost almost everything I had, people I knew for years totally deserted me, and I suddenly found myself without the one thing I relied on every day, my wonderful husband. I'll spare you the emotional, mental and physical horrors of widowhood.

So now you will understand why I'm asking you for this Christmas wish. My wish is as follows: I want a wonderful, Mr. Perfect-for-Me man who will be my wonderful boyfriend, which will turn into my wonderful husband, and we will live happily ever after. And yea, I totally believe in fairy tales, I'm writing you a letter, aren't I? I've been really lonely since he died. Yet, through no lack of trying on my part, the pool of men I have found are so not worth my time. Goobers and douche bags come to mind. Not nice, I know, but its the truth. To help you out with the fulfilling of my Christmas wish, I've included a list of qualifications, in no particular order, for the man of my dreams:

*Someone who I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually attracted to
*Taller then me when I wear my highest heals (I like looking up to my man, not down at him. Plus, nothing is more romantic then a man who kisses you on the forehead when you are lost in his arms)
*A man in uniform (military and/or police to be exact. Sending me a FexEx driver, or a fast food worker - who true, those professions also require a uniform - would be neither funny nor appreciated)
* Someone who will treat me just as good as - if not better than – my late husband did. (i.e. actually calls/texts/emails me, is respectful to me, loves to hold my hand, put his arms around me, and hug/kiss me in public, says he loves me and means it, thinks I am the most beautiful woman on earth - and tells me so, and means it when he does-, is proud to call me his girlfriend/wife, worships the ground I walk on ... you get my drift)
*A kind soul, with an even temperament, who respects others, and is kind to animals (no puppy kickers here please, and we all know I have enough spit & fire for the both of us - Naughty list, 2002, remember? I'll work on staying off that list)
*A genuine person, who is honest, trustworthy, and people (i.e. my friends and family) adore him
*A man who has never been, nor ever will be, a resident of mamby-pamby land
*A thoughtful man, who showers me with love, affection, and of course, gifts (including, but not limited to, Prada bags, flowers, and jewelry)
*He loves his job, makes good money, and his work schedule allows for us to spend quality (and quantity) time together
*Someone who I can always count on, that will take care of me
*A man who makes me laugh, and loves & appreciates my odd sense of humor
*A non-jealous person who is not angered when other men check me out, talk to me, etc. (sorry, I can't help the fact that I have a lot of guy friends, and that I'm a hottie. He should just accept it.)
*His friends and family adore me (with little to no effort on my part. Take me as I am kinda thing)
*Not afraid to tell me what's in his heart, what he's thinking, and includes me in big decision making
*A man who I can confide in, bare my soul to, without fear of judgment (and vice versa)
*He must accept me for me (both my positive qualities and my shortcomings)
*Someone who will make me happy, and that I will make happy
*He must *ahem* be well endowed and good in bed (I know, I know, I'm crusin' for the naughty list again)
*This or something better

So, in a nut shell, what I am asking for is a clone of my late husband with the addition of the man in uniform (military and/or police) part. I have standards you know, and couldn't possibly settle for less then I have already had!

Thank you, Santa, for your assistance in this matter. May you have a successful season, and a restful new year.

Best regards,

Nikki

So even if this letter doesn't make it to Santa's inbox, I'm sure whoever's in charge of reading these letters will get a big kick out of it. And as they read it, it sends positive vibes to the universe for me. One more person reading my wishes = power in numbers, people!