Halloween ... The Best Day of the Year!!!!

I LOVE! Halloween! For me, Halloween holds soo many "happy little trees". Getting to dress up totally slutty (dead hooker circa 2007 & Naughty Snow White circa 2009), and wearing entirely too much eyeliner (Vampiress circa 2010). You get to hang out with your awesome friends, do "killer" Jell-O shots, eat a shit ton o' chocolate, participate in mandatory dancing courtesy of the blaring of music the cops asked the homeowners twice to turn down, and get so shit faced that your novio-at-the-time had to carry you across the street (due to your misplacing of your shoes) so you can pee for 200th time that evening (and not have to wait in line to do so). Ahhh, good times!

Then there's electronic entertainment. TV during the month of October actually has stuff worth watching (the Halloween specials, Paranormal Witness, T.A.P.S, Most Haunted Places). And radio? The annual "Ghost to Ghost" show on Coast to Coast AM with George Noory consisting of 4 hours of people calling in to tell ghost stories. Hell ta tha ya! Of course, I don't sleep much that night ... especially now that I have to sleep alone ... :'( But I can't help it! Ghost stories fascinate me for some odd reason...

Kane on the other hand not so much. That man was scared of one thing, and one thing only... ghosts! Shit that scares me ... zombies? He was a fanatic! Stuff that facinates me ... ghosts? The man cowered in fear! Umm, honey? They're both dead? What's the difference??? Being the devoted husband that he was, he humored me. I shared all my ghost stories and theories with him, I made him listen to super cool EVPs I found on the internet, I drug him along to the local ghost tour held at a historic hotel in the down town, and tried my hardest to convince him to watch ghost movies with me. NOTE: Silent Hill was the ONLY "ghost" movie he watched with me and I think it had something to do with the fact that it was based on a video game ...

SIDENOTE: He really liked the movie, but he didn't sleep that night ...

This Halloween, I will be attending the annual bash my good friends so graciously put on. I remember the first one Kane and I went to. We had just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. He had this idea in his head to go as the Phantom. We drove all over town 2 weekends in a row, looking for the physical to materialize this "idea" from his head into reality. I do have to give him props; that man had the uncanny ability to turn his ideas into reality, to go after (and get) what he wanted. And he looked hot!

Tonight when I sent in my R.S.V.P. (for one) a wave of emotions hit me. I smiled and laughed (at the good times), then I cried (that Kane wouldn't be with me), and then I got angry (that everyone I had invited to attended the bash with me is no longer in my life). It dawned on me: I had always had a +1 for the Halloween bash. Whether it was Kane, or someone I was dating at the time, I was always on the arm of a guy. I don't think I have ever not been in a relationship or desperately pursuing one. Suffocation comes to mind. I never really had the chance to do things for me, that made me happy. It was always us. I always had someone else to consider. 

Now my marriage to Kane was the best of both worlds; togetherness and independence. He let me do what I wanted, when I wanted. And I did the same for him. We both had so much love for each other, all we wanted was to make each other happy. I could go out with the girls, buy what I wanted, go where I wanted, yet I always had someone I was happy to come home to. *Sigh* I miss that.

Since my heart is closed for renovations, and I'm embracing this person I knew existed, but never wanted to admit. The one who - because life gave her lemons - has to do everything by herself (making lemonade included). She only has herself to rely on and herself never disappoints. I am going to that bash ... solo. And I'm going to work it proud! I'm going to look beautiful in my costume, I'm going to have fun with my friends, slam Jell-O shots, eat a shit ton o' chocolate, smile pretty for the camera, and I'm going to have a blast, damn it! I don't need a guy ... I can do it my damn self!