Memory

Not an hour goes by that I don't have a memory come into my mind. Mostly happy memories, yet some bad. I relive them, dwell on them, laugh and/or cry. As if the bad ones I can change by obsessing over them (coulda, shoulda, woulda), or the good ones can be relived again in the physical, using all 5 senses. Of course, this is never the case. Something as meaningless as a smell, a word, a sound, a song, throws me back into better times. Memory ... All alone in the moonlight ... Oh, sorry. My bad. </Show Tunes Singing>

And, seriously?, why is it that I can't remember what I had for breakfast, yet I can remember something from 5 years ago, like it just happened, every little detail, playing in my head, clear as day. Daylight ... I must wait for the sunrise ... Oops! There I go again.

I have tried everything to stop the perpetual movies playing in my head. Listening to music? Didn't work so well. Watching TV? The commercials totally break my concentration of not thinking. At night when I'm trying to fall asleep? That's when my mind is the most active! Midnight ... Not a sound from the pavement ... Tee hee giggle giggle, I'm doing it again, huh?

When Kane and I got married (hell, even when we were dating) I had problems letting things go. He would always say "is there anything you can do about it?" and I'd shake my head - usually because I was so hysterical I couldn't talk - "well, then put it out of your mind". Sooo much easier said then done. Over time I learned how to put things out of my mind. I was doing quitewellakshully at it; then Kane died. Everything I had taught myself over the years quickly went right out the window, and those fucking memories came back. With.a.vengeance.

For the first several months anything and everything set me off. Even seeing the bistro table outside would send me into a tail spin of hysterical sobbing, yelling, and rage. Kane and I spent many nights sitting outside, talking, laughing, enjoying wine or our favorite cigar. Every time I saw that table, it reminded me I would never have that again. I would never hear his voice, his laugh, never feel his kiss or his hand on mine. Touch me ... It's so easy to leave me ... All alone with the memory ... Really? I'm sooo adding a link to this song at the end of my blog post so everyone else can get it stuck in their head, too!

The memories were killing me. I knew there was something I had to do. I never wanted my memory to fade, I mean, we had some amazing times! But reflecting on everything caused me to be an emotional wreck. And these memories were so strong, It was totally unpossible to "put it out of my mind".

I started out slow. Anytime I had a memory pop in my head, I honored it. I let my mind play it back. I let the sensations flow through me. I let the tears fall. I let the anger burn. I let the hurt consume me. And when it was done, I moved on. After several months of doing this, honoring my memory, letting it have its way with me, the memories effected me less and less when I thought about them again. Suddenly, a memory that made me break out in gut-wrenching sobbs, actually made me smile, laugh, give thanks and brought comfort.

Remember, your memories are yours. No one can take them from you, tell you how to react to them, and, yes, they will always be with you - would you ever want to forget? I don't. Honor those memories. Feel them, relive them, understand them, embrace them. When you wake up in the morning it will be a new day, and yesterday will be a memory, too. Daylight ... I must wait for the sunrise ... I must think of a new life ... And I musn't give in.

http://youtu.be/ivIT0TQ4vRM