"Once You Label Me, You Negate Me"

The quote above is from Søren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855). A philosopher and theologian wise beyond his years. And how true is that quote? Our society today is so label happy. Mother, father, divorced, single, widow, widower, wife, husband, employed, unemployed. The minute we step out into the world, we are instantly labeled. A label which we carry around with us that is then used to determine the category(s) we fall into. The labels may change, we may add them or take them away, wish we had a certain label, wear them proudly, or cower in shame from them. These labels others assign us - or we assign to ourselves - often negatively define us as individuals; as if what we do, our circumstances in life, or the choices we make gives an exact blue print to others of who we are. To me, this is complete bull shit.

When you first meet someone, they usually ask "What do you do for a living?", "Are you married/single?", "Do you have children?", "Where ya from?". Each of these questions may be great ice breakers, but the underlined motive is to label you, classify you into a certain category, and deem you worthy or unworthy, before even getting to know you on a deeper level, as a person, an individual.

I am so guilty of labeling others. Good or bad, it helps me remember who they are, to stay away or come closer, trust them or not, to deem them worthy or unworthy of my time. I'm also guilty of labeling myself. I'm single, I'm a widow, I'm not happy, I'm useless. This negative effect of labeling (myself and others) never crossed my mind (thank you societal norms!) until last night.

A long time ago, people told me that my "label" of widow really turns people off. It scares them, it instantly puts out the vibe of death, makes others face what they don't want to face ... the inevitable, and instantly attaches stigmas. Reflecting on this, I usually answer the "are you married" question with a simple no, not yet, or I'm single (unless of course I want people to leave me alone, then ya, I pull the widow card). Not divulging my true status avoids a detailed explanation, and keeps the sympathy card in the deck cuz I really don't need your sympathy. When asked last night if I was single (you know, ice breaker question) I answered yes, and promptly followed it with well, widowed actually. SHIT! I did not mean for that to come out. I was soo afraid of being judged, labeled, or the instant stigma being attached to me because of one word, widowed. Yet, after hearing the word widowed, this person didn't judge, attach a label to me, ask 20 questions about my status, or even bat an eye. For the first time since becoming a widow, I did not cower in shame after saying that word. I wore it proudly, because that experience made me who I am today. The widow chisel has chipped away at the marble block that was once me to form the beautiful sculpture I am today, and for that I am truly grateful. I am not the young widow, or the lady who lost her husband, or the once happily married wife who is now single. No, I'm Nikki. 

So, the next time you chose to judge someone based on a "label" assigned to them, try getting to know them first. Their name is a good start. Don't look at the block of marble that once defined them, rather see the beautiful sculpture their "labels" have created to define who they are today. Like a picture says a thousand words, a name (and the person behind it) says even more.